I famously have not seen a lot of big blockbuster movies. As a kid I watched ‘em all, so I know a lot about Disney and can still quote most of the new Parent Trap, but somewhere around age 13 I lost interest. Last week my Dad saw Star Wars on demand and asked if my Mom and I wanted to watch it. She really wanted to watch Sweet Home Alabama, but was outvoted. I have seen parts of Star Wars, like I remembered the E-walks and Princess Leia and Chewy, and that it took place in space. But I had no clue who Obi was, or Han Solo or Luke, just that they were names of people who used light sabers.
I’m not gonna give the full three movie review, because I’m sure you’ve seen it, or don’t want spoilers. I don’t understand people who say, “You can spoil it for me, I’ll never watch it”. HOW DO YOU KNOW? This movie came out in 1977! Here I am watching it FORTY THREE YEARS LATER. But I will warn you I’m about to do that here. My very good friend Zachary D. Swan spoiled a MAJOR PART of Star Wars for me (the part where Leia and Luke are brother and sister-SORRY) because he thought it was in the second movie and it was actually in the third.
It really bothered me because I thought they should be together sexually in the first two movies and I weirded myself out.
My Dad was legitimately upset when he found out Zachary D. Swan spoiled the brother sister plot for me. The conversation went like this-
Me: “Dad, I have to tell you something. I was talking to Zach last night and he spoiled something in the movie”.
I have never seen my Dad so serious. He stops in his tracks, turns to me and asks, “What part did he spoil?” I could tell he was thinking about a couple different possibilities.
I waited before revealing because I knew he was not going to take this well.
Me: “The part where Luke and Leia are brother and sister”
My Dad: “Ugh!” He slammed his hand on the kitchen counter and spun around. It was like he had just lost a game of Yahtzee. (I’ve realized during quarantine he has the same reaction for losing dice games and spoilers). “That was coming up in the next one!” It was a tense moment, but we vowed not to tell my Mom.
I had a great time watching with my parents. When I’m watching a movie, I love imagining what people in the theatre thought when they saw it for the first time, so I asked my Dad questions about that. He talked a lot about how cool all of the special effects were. Lots of, “Now imagine that on a huge screen”. I was thinking about how great it’ll be when I can say that to my kids about movies I saw growing up. Like, “Imagine Fat Bastard eating chicken on the big screen! Incredible.” My Dad also mentioned several times he was first in line with his friend Brent to see the last one. Seems pretty gay to me, but hey, it was the 80s.
I did a little research, and while the film won a ton of technical awards, it unfortunately lost best picture to Annie Hall at the Academy Awards in ‘78. I watched the opening of the awards, which I legitimately enjoyed and have linked here so you can too. I must say I really miss these lights at the beginning of the show swirling around the audience, we should bring that back.
They also do a weird thing at the beginning where they talk about Oscar the statue as if it is a person who is 50 years old. Like they talk about his height and length at birth (it’s the same as it is now) and his “founders”. I almost did an entire post about just the opening. I guess there’s still time.
I’ve also had the pleasure of having Bill Murray as the lounge singer’s rendition of “Star Wars” stuck in my head all month. I have attached the sketch below so you can too.
LIVE THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING RETURN OF THE JEDI
Lastly, below are my real live thoughts while watching the last of the original three films, Return of the Jedi.
8:10 Movie begins.
8:27 I love C3P0. Does everyone speak robot? How is C3P0 a robot but doesn’t know this Tatouine robot language?
8:28 R2D2 has no regard for his own life.
8:29 Jabba The Hut is using his own turd as security.
-Luke is pandering
-omg he’s giving up the robots?! wtf?! what a jerk.
-This is the first time they’ve used subtitles in all of the movies and they’ve had so many languages.
My Dad: “C3P0 usually translates” Me: “Wait no? He hasn’t been doing that?”
8:34 This planet has weird creatures partying. I like it because it’s a real good ad for mingling between cultures.
-Oh god what is happening I was having fun with the singing, is Jabba gonna poop on this slave?
8:37 lol Jabba’s security guy who fell in the pit with Luke was so dramatic.
8:39 oh shit Lando!!
-I love when a planet has two moons. I wonder if their astrological signs get two moon signs because of that.
8:39 Dang, I wouldn’t think the party ever stopped in here but I guess even giant couch potatoes gotta rest.
8:40 I hope they brought a fake Han Solo otherwise this might be bad. Nope they didn’t. Okay it’s bad.
8:41 Me: Dad did you think that was really high tech the first time you saw it?
Dad: (still mesmerized) “Yeah.”
8:41 Why is this guy freeing Han? how does he know his eyesight will return?
OMG it’s Leia!! omg they’re making out HARD
OH SHIT, Jabba. I knew the party didn’t stop
His eyesight returned QUICK
8:42 Oh God he’s gonna make her his sex slave
Oh wait Han’s still blind. Harrison Ford is not playing blind well.
This is a heartwarming reunion.
8:44 Who is this sorcerer?!
Oh God look at this outfit
Oh shiz it’s Luke. Where’s he been?! Has he been training w yoda?!
8:45 Luke you’ve changed, you look all mysterious now.
Carrie Fisher has abs and I’m here for it.
Oh shit one of the pigs fell in with him?! Was that planned or did he miss his mark and they were like were not doin’ another take!
8:47 I’m excited to watch the dungeon monster eat this pig thing.
This thing also seems blind.
The monster basically got hit w a pebble and freaked out
Use the force!!
8:50 Was that that guys dad?
Can he see?!
Oh no.
(We had to pause bc my Mom thought Jabba and the monster were the same person. We saw Jabba again and Mom goes, “Wait I thought he was dead?”)
8:51 Party bus!!
Venus fly trap! I just get excited to see certain monsters I think.
Cool flip, having them walk the plank in the desert.
8:54 Dang, Luke def went somewhere before this. His confidence is incredible.
How’d they work that out?? When did Luke and R2D2 even talk before this!?
Oh a jet pack!!!
Han will conveniently start to see soon.
I love the music.
Really funny to watch a jet pack crash.
Was that Jabba’s dick?! So much is happening.
8:58 That lil rat guy is so random.
omg r2!
Cool explosion okay.
9:00 Wow Darth has an impressive military.
Ew, the emperor is gross and could never inspire a nation.
hashtag foreshadowing
9:01 Luke has a much better landing this time.
(We had to pause again. My Mom: “Is Yoda like the grandfather?” Me: “Not everyone’s related.”)
9:02 This is controversial but I don’t really like Yoda.
Wait but if Yoda dies I’m sad.
Didn’t Luke already confront Darth? How many times does he have to do this?!
9:05 Yoda talks about a lot of heavy shit.
Ironically this is English and it’s the only language I can’t understand in the film.
Wow you’d think Yoda could use the force to stay alive a little longer and finish that sentence.
People just disappear when they die here?!
9:08 Oh shit Obi Wan was wandering the darkness.
Okay, this reminds me of Harry Potter again.
They’re legit making this kid kill his father, kinda sucks.
Zach already revealed this to me.
Mom: “idk how you wouldn’t guess it’s her, she’s the only girl in the whole show”.
9:16 Who’s this queen?!
I like how they have women in charge
Akbar is his name?!
9:18 Weird to watch two twins who have kissed hug each other.
Han and Leia’s love story is not played out.
-This honestly is more high tech than Apollo 13 which we also watched during Quarantine.
9:19 FORESHADOWING FOR ENGLISH 101
9:20 But who is this emperor though.
-They can sense each other, just like Harry Potter and Voldemort.
9:24 Is this earth??
-I like these motorcycles, coolest mode of transport we’ve seen.
-Wow now that Luke knows Leia’s his sis he’s really telling her what to do.
-Action sequences HOLD UP, although reminds me of Honey I Shrunk the Kids.
Mom: “That would start a forest fire, right?”
9:29 omg these are the ewalks!!!! OMG GIMME
9:32 Oh shiz, storm troopers talk!!
hatcha!! omg he just killed storm troopers and wants to be carried.
9:33 Emperor has sleepy chic vibes.
Wow darth doesn’t give a shit about his kid so I’m for him killing him now.
9:35 Start countdown for Luke telling Han, “I love her better she’s my sister!”
Is Chewy related to the ewalks??
9:35 Use your stupid lightsaber!! oh. He did.
9:36 This seems racist but I’m not sure how.
9:38 omg cool treehouses.
9:39 how are they gonna eat a robot?
awww a baby one!
wow c3p0 really became less loyal
9:43 The funniest part is when the ewalk snuggles up to Han Solo.
So he had to tell a story and they all became part of the tribe? That’s it?!
9:45 were gonna have a big reveal!! Whole ewalks thing is VERY PETER PAN ISH
Carrie Fisher looks like Stevie Nicks.
Okay she is Stevie Nicks.
Luke should def reveal and not be so cryptic, we have a universe to save.
Okay, here we go.
9:47 This emotional scene is not doing anything for me.
We all know you’re not gonna turn him back.
Hey what’s goin on lol
Han obvi thinks somethings going on w their relationship-oh boy.
9:50 you always think you can fix your parents until you turn into them.
Darth: ”I see you’ve constructed a new lightsaber”. Father can’t help but love son’s new hardware.
9:52 “Then my father is truly dead”. Wow harsh line, Luke. I wonder how many lil kids in the 80s said that to their dads.
9:53 Shit I forgot about this whole mission
Mom: “Why are these people so ugly?” Me: “Good question”.
9:54 Dang this whole time I thought it was hyper speed, it’s hyperspace.
Why doesn’t C3P0 have anything covering his middle??
9:56 The ewalk on the flying motorcycle HAHAHAH fav part by far
9:57 Even though Luke is a prisoner he walks cool, like hey I’m with my dad and he’s the head guy around here.
9:59 Evil people always try to trick you and say your friends are walking into a trap
10:00 omg how did they not think there would be this many storm troopers?
Forgot about Lando honestly
10:04 C3P0 wtf oh okay nvm great plan.
10:05 If any ewalk gets hurt I will be furious.
10:06 Oh god they’re so weak lol.
10:08 This is def how you get someone to the dark side for sure, blowing up his friends.
10:09 OMG R2
WHY DIDNT YOU HOTWIRE FROM THE BEGINNING NOW WEVE LOST A BELOVED ROBOT
10:10 NOOOO AN EWALK DIED?!?!
10:11 Luke please don’t tell me you’re gonna be tricked by this.
10:14 I love these lil jungle tricks. The space boys were not ready!!!!
10:15 Alright, I’m glad Leia got Han back w the “I know” line.
10:16 Me and Mom both very impressed by Luke’s high jump during the fight.
10:19 DONT TALK ABOUT LUKES SISTER!!!!!!!
Wait did someone die?!
10:20 WOAH HE CUTOFF HIS HAND LEARNED IT FROM MY DAD
Oh come on you can’t bond over a fake hand.
Me and my mom are debating the nationally of a space person: I think he’s Latino she thinks Chinese.
10:22 Luke’s gonna sacrifice himself and I’m strangely fine with it.
OH SHIT DARTH
Mom: HE THREW HIM DOWN THAT SHAFT!!
What’s wrong w Darth?
We have questions
My dad: JUST WATCH, PRETEND LIKE NO ONES EVER SEEN IT, JUST WATCH
10:26 THEY GOT IT!!!!!!
Darth Vader rolling along the floor is really funny. I’m cracking up.
My dad (Very serious): “LUKES TRYING TO SAVE HIS FATHERS LIFE”.
10:28 wait so Darth was good?
10:29 More cool shots
Ewalks love it!!!
10:30 Here we go, the love moment.
Is this where people started to be like I can feel when my siblings die and stuff?? The force?
Leia is basically like, “He’s my brother, but if he wasn’t you’d still have competition bc I did kind of love him in a sexual way before I knew he was my brother”.
10:32 Wow, nothing better than these wide shots.
Anyway, that’s my book report on Star Wars. Thanks for reading!